Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Current mood: Reflective
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I don't have a lot of trust issues. I'm a realist when it comes to people. People will let you down. It's just how we're wired. We're not God and, therefore, are going to do dumb things, even hurtful things sometimes. That's not what I want to focus on today, though.

Trusting God. Trusting that He really does have the best in mind for me and mine.

See, this Friday (July 21st) we are going to watch as our little girl is put under anesthesia for dental work. She has four cavities that we know of and tried to bite the doc when he did the initial exam. I was pretty sure we'd have to do it with her under in order to make all our lives a little less stressed, but it's still a scary thing when your little one goes limp in your arms.

Last summer we went through a similar experience, but it was the first time. I can honestly say I thought I was prepared. God has laid it on my heart from the moment our children were born to pray over them in a certain way. It's a reminder that these precious ones are gifts from Him for a time. I don't know how much or how little time I'll have with them. The prayer asks for His watchful care over them and if He takes them home before they wake, that He be with me in the grief. I thought the years of praying this prepared me for watching my baby go to "sleep" before her MRI. Oh, little did I know.

Getting the IV into her arm wasn't a lot of fun. She's very strong for someone so little and it took all three of us (hubby, me and nurse) to hold her still enough. She looked at us with such hurt in her little eyes it broke my heart. But, as mommies around the world can tell you, we have to do what's best even if we don't like it. :-/ My husband carried her into the outer room of the MRI area where we both held her for the injection of the anesthesia. I watched as our little daughter went from crying to limp in a matter of seconds and my heart nearly stopped. It was as close as I pray I ever have to come to seeing the life drain out of her and it hurt my heart.

My husband and I stumbled to the waiting room where I sat praying like I've never prayed before. This was really a nothing procedure in the grand scheme of things which others undergo, but this was my baby. I prayed for strength. I prayed for peace. I prayed that I'd be okay with whatever the outcome turned out to be. I prayed for His arms to be wrapped around me as never before so I could get through this time. I couldn't read. I couldn't look around. All I had to cling to was my Daddy and He sustained me.

Trust. It all comes back to that. How much do we trust Him? With our very lives? Seems easy. With our daily existence? Maybe a little tougher. With each and every moment we draw breath? To tell us how we are to live each of those breaths? To guide us when it comes to decisions for our children? To show us what to say and do every moment?

I'm learning more and more as I walk down this path of life with Him. He's holding my hand and walking along most of the time. But on days like this coming Friday I know He will be carrying me. I won't have the strength to walk, but I trust Him to take me where I need to go.

Proverbs 3:5-8 - "Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones."

You can read a little bit more about my little ones (not really so little, actually :-)) on where I've been a guest blogger twice. I'm going to submit this particular blog there as well for sometime this week.


Alison Strobel Morrow said...

My daughter is 6.5 months old, and I still don't really trust God to take care of her as well as I can. Isn't that just ridiculous? Every once in a while I'll test myself to see if I'm ready to pray, "She's all yours, God," and I've yet to be able to go through with it. Not that it really matters; she's His whether I recognize it or not, but I know that, as a Christian, I should certainly be able to trust God with anything, especially my baby. For some reason, though, I can't help but think God will test my faith if I really turn her over to Him by injecting some awful event into her life. Yeah, like that's the kind of God we serve: vindictive and outirght mean. *sigh* But my head and my heart just can't seem to see eye-to-eye on this one. I envy your ability to do it. :)


A. M. Wilson said...

I don't think it's ridiculous at all. It's how you feel, and therefore, a valid emotion. What you do with it makes the difference.

I think I really started to grasp the whole trusting God with my kiddos when He helped me to realize just how much more He loves them than I do. Hard to fathom, and impossible without His help, but it's the truth. He knew all there was to know about your beauty before you even knew she was going to exist. He had a plan in place for her from the foundation of TIME! That one boggled my mind for a bit. :-) Jer. 29:11.

As to testing your faith if you give her over to Him, I would have to argue He's liable to have to MAKE you give her over if you don't willingly. Watching my little one go under was the hardest thing I can remember having to do, but it put things into perspective as nothing else can. HE has the control over when she breathes, when she sleeps, when she wakes and when she goes to be with Him. That's not easy as a mom to grasp and accept.

Perhaps try just praying the pray first and asking God to work on your heart to make the feelings come? I don't think you need to "test" anything. There are enough issues in this life that we have no control over, why make it harder for yourself? :-)

Our feelings tend to be the byproduct of obedience rather than the first step. Forgiveness isn't something we FEEL for another. It's the obedient act of letting something go and then the feelings change as a result of that obedience. Don't be too hard on yourself, mom. :-)